‘Wow, she is so fair, now your parents have their OWN baby. Didn’t you know, they got you from the curry leaves vendor since they didn’t have a baby and wanted one’ (curry leaves vendor since curry leaves is synonymous with dark in South India!)
The neighbour who said this thought it was very funny; so did my parents unfortunately…..unfortunately since they allowed her to repeat it often, laughed at the ‘joke’, and allowed it to spread among friends and relatives. Almost all of them found little seven year old Usha’s reaction hilarious – she scowled, shook her head vehemently and declared ‘I AM MY FATHER’S BABY!’
So, from the very first few days of my little sister being born, I started hating that poor thing. There was not a chance that we could ever be friends with each other, let alone anything resembling deep sibling love, affection…………..and it remains so, till date.
This post is not about ‘fair’ vs ‘dark’, though as a dark, short South Indian girl, I had my share of those comments, which resulted in me taking a perverse pride in my dark skin – no bleaching, no whitening creams…….
This is about what seemingly innocent words, said in jest can do; the lasting impact, the damage, that it can cause. And the fact that very often, we allow such cruel ‘jokes’ either because we are not sensitive to the darkness behind them, or because we don’t want to be the spoilsport, making a fuss about NOT continuing it. I am confused in my head about which is worse – being insensitive to the negative messaging, and the confidence sapping innuendoes that go in the form of a ‘joke’ or being conscious but keeping quiet since we don’t want to ‘make a fuss’
Dont get me wrong, the idea is not to kill humor, not to be sticky about being the butt of jokes. Roasting is ok, caricatures and mocking managers is ok, having nick names is fine;
One has to learn to laugh at oneself, along with others. And the more mature you become, the more comfortable you should be with being mocked at and laugh along. I am not advocating that we become darn serious at home and at the work place.
An environment where people can laugh at each other and oneself is healthy, and breaks down age and hierarchy barriers.
What I AM advocating is a simple philosophy – PICK SOMEONE YOUR SIZE!! And that isn’t just about age, it is also about who is emotionally mature, and who is in a position to tell you to stop – it can’t be the rookie in the team.
And to be conscious of what is behind every joke you make – is there a hurtful message, a negative reinforcement, a desire to make the other person feel small? If so, let us stop
The last is to be ultra conscious of what you say in jest to and about the young and vulnerable – the children in the house, the new-comer at work, the junior in office….
Anything that saps confidence and that can potentially give a poor self view is NOT OK. Anything that creates unwanted comparison, unhealthy competition, builds resentment or jealously, is NOT OK.
Incidentally, as I started writing this post, I have become more conscious of my own scathing tongue. Don’t let me fool you – I am at the top of the class when it comes to sarcasm and ‘humour’ that can hurt – I just hope I have never crossed the line, but I will never know, only the one at the receiving end knows.
So folks who are with me, if you are reading this post, and find me guilty of this, walk up to me and give me a hard knock on the side of my head!
And I don’t know why, but I googled ‘how not to take jokes seriously’ – after all, all of us are at both ends – the butt of the joke and the one who makes the joke. And I caught this wikihow page that I liked, so sharing it
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Taking-Jokes-Seriously
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