‘Ouch, that hurts!’ said Ms Oyster, irritated with the tiny grit that had gotten in. To ease the pain, she made some mother-of-pearl and coated it; and continued to nurse the grit, putting a lot of her good resources into coating it with more and more layers of mother-of-pearl. Till one day, some lucky diver found her, put her out of her misery forever, and took the pearl out to become a much valued possession of a woman like you and me.
Way back in my career when I was still very young, impulsive and hot headed, (the latter stays, the former in calendar years has changedJ) I had a lady boss who pushed and pushed my levels of tolerance till it snapped. At lunch one day, after another nasty bout with her, I wrote out a polite resignation letter and handed it over, ensuring I got the secretary to put the date and time stamp on it, so there was NO GOING BACK
To cut a long story short, I didn’t have the luxury of a strong bank balance, my husband, my baby son and I were surviving on two meagre salaries, so I went around job hunting with enough people reprimanding me for my actions; landed a wonderful job as a training manager in Taj, and that change proved to be the turning point in my career – absolutely rocketed and brought me where I am today. Came to know within six months of joining that the lady boss in question even tried to sabotage that job, but got nowhere because my ‘hiring manager’ who didn’t know me at all, had enough faith in the company’s hiring and screening processes. Wow!
Like Ms Oyster, I spent a long time ‘nursing’ the hatred (not resentment, Hatred!) I felt for this woman. Fantasising what I will do and say when I met her next as now the power was with me! Fester and grow, fester and grow – somewhere coming between me and every success since invariably, it reminded me of the pain that came before.
One day, I ran into her in the coffee shop, where I had gone to lunch. At that moment, everything evaporated. An Aha moment………. I realised that if she hadn’t done what she did, I would still be stuck in a dead end job so early in my career, and god forbid, might one day be her! Here was I, forced out of my comfort zone, and blooming and growing, all because of her. Impulsive as always, I walked up to her, said hello, and said ‘thank you maam. I owe my current success and prosperity to you’. I am sure she thought I was being sarcastic, only I know I wasn’t. And I was liberated at that moment…..
Like the oyster, we all have something uncomfortable, even painful that happens to us; someone hurts us, knowingly or unknowingly. Most of the time maybe all of the time, like the oyster, we choose to nurse the pain, the anger, the resentment, even hatred, feed it with precious life resources, growing it……….
I am sure, despite the layers and layers that coat the grit, the pearl continues to be uncomfortable to the oyster; maybe more so as it grows in size! I wonder, if the oyster could learn to expel the grit, how her life would be……
But the act of viewing the sequence of events differently so early in life helped me immensely. Since then, I have consciously practiced ‘ejecting’ and ‘expelling’ the grit that gets in. I am mindful not to NURSE resentment and hatred. Probably for me, it is easy to preach since the incident led to better things in life. Maybe for you, in a professional or personal relationship, someone caused harm and it made things worse not better.
But let me flip that thought. I believe, holding on for a short time, helped fuel me, gave me energy to push the boundaries and deliver excellence, leading to success. It was OK! But there was a moment when it stopped doing that for me. The same is for each of you out there – nursing the negative is dysfunctional, saps your own energies; energy and resources you need for other positive aspects of your life. Expelling it is necessary to move on, and forward.
I think that is the key here. How do we become mindful and at the right time, expel the grit rather than, like the oyster, make it larger and larger, and more uncomfortable, never giving a moment of peace?
Disclaimer: Ms Oyster, I am making assumptions on your behalf that the pearl feels uncomfortable. Do pardon me if you enjoy the pearl!
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As goes the saying, you cannot drive ahead looking into the back view mirror. Some of such individuals that I came across in my life are now either forgotten or are ‘reasonable acquaintances’. In hind sight, those experiences early in your career are like vaccines – they teach you how to deal with similar or worse situations later (as it will occur again and again and again). Sometimes the individuals are not in the wrong, the situations become hostile. The same people can become your best pals in a different setting. So though frustrating at that time, one can do well to welcome such incidents and take a positive approach to the situation.